It is with a heavy heart that I wrote this blog. A lot of you know me very well, others not at all, some of you know the story of my life some of you have no idea. I am obviously and open book always have been always will be.
October is a very important month for awareness! Many people know October is Breast Cancer awareness month but did you know it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month?
Let me start with this letter…
I am here today with one goal in mind: To see that Lee gets the help and rehabilitation he needs. I believe, the only way this can now truly be accomplished is through incarceration or inpatient rehab.
It is not easy for me to stand here in front of the man with whom I was in a relationship with for more than 13 years. A man, who through those 13-years, verbally, physically and emotionally abused me and our three-girls during cycles of drug and alcohol- induced violence. A man who not only I- but also his own daughters- are afraid of. A man who has told me several times he WILL KILL me and has said these words in the presence of our 3 children.
Lee is an opiate, meth and alcohol addict. I and our beautiful daughters ages 10, 8 and 7 have witnessed first-hand the affects of this addiction. There have been numerous incidents of Domestic Violence over the years-- too many to count. Lee has repeatedly punched me, told me he'd kill me, choked and thrown me against walls while pregnant, punched walls, harassed me, pulled my hair, called me a piece of crap, fat, ugly, not worthy of anyone's love and blamed me for all of that. The list goes on and on. Several of those incidents are documented by police: Several... only my girls and I have witnessed. And we alone will have to spend the rest or our lives finding healing for the deep scars left behind in the wake of those incidents. (Thankfully, we are all getting the much-needed help we need through therapy).
Lee is a mass manipulator. I believe that has a lot to do with why I stayed with him so long, why he only worked 3 years of our 13-year relationship, why his family continues to enable him and why he has always been offered and accepted a plea in abeyance and as a result has never been convicted or spent than 6 months in jail.
Lee is currently in a relationship with another meth-addict who has several kids. Those children were taken away from her because she and Lee had been using drugs in front of those children. In addition, her 13 year old daughter accused Lee of molesting her. These allegations have been dropped but this is a man who seriously needs help before more people get hurt by him or his addictions kill him.
I do believe if there are no consequences for Lee that you will see him back in this court room. Lee has already attended multiple DV classes, Cognitive Thinking Classes, Anger Management Classes, and Drug Classes (most of which, I paid for). None of these have worked long-term. Sure he's had months of sobriety, but then- inevitably- he returns to his true loves: drugs and alcohol. And those true loves always give birth to abuse, crime, loss of jobs and more.
Ultimately I believe that a treatment center over jail time would benefit Lee greatly. A long term inpatient, residential court-ordered program would be so much harder for Lee than any incarceration.
In the words of a well-known author and therapist: "A person who is acting out self-destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction." And I would add to that, that they are then encouraged to keep destroying the lives of all those around them: A true threat to themselves, their families and society.
Please, I am begging you to give Lee the help he really needs to prevent further destruction. More importantly give me and my children a year of not being afraid, for me to not have to always be looking over my shoulder to protect me and my daughters. Thank you.
Would you have ever thought the lady who wrote that letter is the same person who is writting this blog....yes, me Jackie Fristoe?
I never thought I would write a letter like this either and then be able to get up and read this in front of my abuser and his family and read it without fear! Two years ago I began my journey of healing and processing what has happened over the last 13 years. I am still in the healing process as it will take several years to overcome the abuse! My eyes have been opened and I want to help educate people that NO MATTER what you should never feel like this, that there is an out! YOU TOO CAN BREAK THE CYCLE!
One in four women and one in thirteen men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. While these incidents don’t typically involve mass murders and rarely make headlines, it is not uncommon for domestic violence to spill over to the workplace. According to a 2005 survey by the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, 21 percent of full-time employed adults were victims of domestic violence and 64 percent said their work performance was significantly impacted.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in the United States, 1.3 million women and 830,000 men are assaulted each year by people they believe love them. In a 2005 survey, the Centers for Disease Control found that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of domestic violence at some point.
It goes on in teen couples as well as in adult relationships. One study found that 1 in 5 high school girls reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Another study of teen dating behavior found that 3 out of 5 teens say they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
Victims often don’t complain. Their partners may have instilled such fear in them that they don’t dare say anything. Or, they have become so inured to the manipulation and violence that they don’t recognize they are victims. Sadly, it is often only when someone has become seriously hurt or has an emotional breakdown that friends, family members, or professionals even realize what is going on.
The Cycle of Violence
The victims are on the other side of this interaction. Sometimes the buildup of psychological and verbal abuse is subtle and gradual. Over time, the person they love undermines their self-esteem and makes them feel more and more dependent. The victim really doesn’t see it coming.
In other cases, the victim comes from a long history of childhood victimization. Like most people, she or he was drawn to the familiar when drawn to a mate. For them, being yelled at, put down, coerced into sex or taken advantage of is just more of the same.
This is what is meant by the “cycle of violence.” With somewhere between 3.3 and 10 million children witnessing some form of domestic violence every year, it’s understandable that many of those kids learn to accept abuse as normal.” The pattern of abuser/victim is then bumped from generation to generation. Unless someone in the family gets angry enough or desperate enough to call in help, or unless someone outside the family intervenes, the behaviors continue to the detriment of the individuals involved and to society as a whole. Violence in families is linked to high rates of substance abuse and addictions, mental illness, suicides, and sexual acting out as well as criminal behaviors.
The cycle of violence can be stopped. Victims can be helped to find the strength to seek and accept protection, advice, and practical help from their local shelters and mental health clinics. Abusers can learn how to appropriately express anger and how to be loving partners by attending programs for partners against violence or therapy. Couples can learn how to love and supportive partners and parents through couples counseling and parent education classes. And children of abusive relationships can be healed when their parents get themselves and the children into treatment.
When domestic violence is known in an extended family or in a network of friends, there is no such thing as being an innocent bystander. To know about abuse and do nothing is to enable and support it. Family, friends, and professionals who are concerned about a family can and should help them face the issues and get the help they need.
If you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence please see attached links
http://www.thehotline.org/
