I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win to survive to prosper to rise....TO FLY!!

These are the words to my new favorite song and it has become sort of an anthem around our house!  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3n71KUiWn1I&ob=av2e

As I try to figure out my life out after being diagnosed and fighting breast cancer. Trying to figure out what happens next….I often ask myself where will this journey take me to next. I wrapped up 4 weeks of radiation treatment on November 18^th just in time to for Thanksgiving. My last day was bitter sweet, I have grown to love each of these angels that work at the IHC CC it takes a special person to love and care for people who are fighting for their lives. As I was about to leave that day my favorite nurse and my regular tech pulled me into the consult room and you can imagine how that first made me feel I thought oh no they are going to make me come back or they have bad news....but NOPE they had each made me a gift.....I will never forget their kindness and love

WOW what a difficult 4 weeks I remember calling my mom on several occasions crying telling her I could no longer do this…but look I did it I am done. I find myself very tired still and I am either freezing or roasting there is no in-between with me lately.I will write more about what happens next in this process in a few minutes.

Last week was the worst of the past 2 months. A lot of you may or may not know I am very blessed and lucky to work from home I have a home studio and I have a direct line into the radio stations and it is as if I am right there with the guys and the show that I work on. But last week Monday- Wednesday I had agreed to go into the station and run the board one of the morning guys was on vacation so they needed my skills. That meant I had to be there by 4:45AM to get everything ready. So of course that meant I had to leave my house by 4:00 AM so I was waking up at 3:30 everyday. I would work in the building until about 10AM then head home to try and nap so I could be back on the air at 3PM. I cannot even remember what day it was but Ayden was not feeling well and was having trouble breathing so I rushed home took her to the ER because she couldn’t breathe. We sat there till about 1PM till the DR. said she had bronchitis. ALL in ALL it was a busy and very exhausting week. I remember crying just because I was SO TIRED! Now that I think about it I think I might of been sleepwalking half the time. 

Thursday Thanksgiving day rolls around we had big plans to volunteer at a D.V. Shelter and help serve these amazing woman and their children BUT Audrey woke up around 1:30 in the morning throwing up everywhere we did not go back asleep till about 7AM. Our Thanksgiving was spent, watching movies, napping, cleaning up well stuff and more napping.

Friday I had a remote early in the morning then I came home and made a little feast, we set the table all fancy the girls used wine glasses for their cider and Ayden wrote and read a beautiful speech. About the meaning of Thanksgiving and it was beautiful…
https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?v=2728865944975&set=vb.1357004929&type=2&theater

I am not going to lie things have been very rough for me but I am so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. My new friend Cara sent 2 gift cards so I could get pies and special things for Thanksgiving, My friend Ryan dropped of a turkey and left in at my door. I just cannot begin to tell you of all the kindness and love that I have felt over the past 2 months and I am still AMAZED at where it comes from. It is always from places you would never expect.

Christmas is right around the corner and it weighs heavy on my mind and heart on how I will pull off a wonderful Christmas for my girls it’s a tough time for all of us. I always monitor the internet usage in my home with 3 young girls it’s a good Idea for all parents. I found a letter that Alliyah had written to the Ellen Show. I wish I would have saved it you would be amazed at the intelligence and thoughtfulness of this young daughter that I am raising!

She asked for help for her mother who was the best mom anyone could have and asked for things for her sister’s for Christmas. It broke my heart to know that my daughter carries around worries with her; she is just like her mother.

The girls and I went out to Riverton City last night to the night out with Santa and activities. We saw Santa and Mrs. Claus (Mrs. Claus was on xanex I am sure of it!) we made crafts, roasted marshmallow, had hot chocolate and scones oh and went on a hay ride.

On the way home the girls and I had a long talk about Christmas and they all agree that this year would be a special year and we would really celebrate the meaning of Christmas “CHRIST”.
Again, I thank you all for your kindness and love there would be no way that I could have made it this far without each of you!!

I am still having a few issues with my left kidney and still taking way too much medicine but all in all I am feeling OK. I go in weekly for blood work and will have a Body Scan on December 14^th and will have a new diagnosis and I am pretty sure it will be that the ALL the Cancer is gone. I will of course keep you all updated. In the meantime I am working on exciting things, things that will take me on a new journey that will be life changing for the better. I am excited to share as soon as the time is right. In the meantime I will continue to fight, to win, to conquer and fly!

I leave you with this something for you to ponder…

I asked for strength and God gave the difficulties to make me strong. I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve. I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brain to work. I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome. I asked for patience and God placed me in situation where I was forced to wait. I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help. I asked for favors and God gave my opportunities. I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, He gave me life so I could enjoy everything. I received nothing I wanted I received everything I needed!

Much Love,

Jackie

Cocktails, Kidneys, Afghanistan, and a dog named Lola Jean!

Blue and green scrubs, needles, red lazar lights, big machines, monitors…I have just about seen all I want to see in my lifetime!

So up to this point things have been OK, I have had some lower back pain, teeth pain and some fatigue. The worst part has been the lower back pain. I suffer from some lower back pain on my right side occasionally nothing out of the ordinary happens once a year for about a week and then I am fine. I went to see Dr. Jacques my awesome chiropractor he adjusted me and did some acupuncture and usually that relieves the pain but not this time. So I have had this annoying pinched nerve pain in my back that will radiate down my leg and it’s just uncomfortable! If I stand up and walk around I am fine if I sit down or lay down its all over from there! ANY TIPS OR IDEAS on how to help this please comment or email me?

While I was at the hospital this last week they found that the right side of my lower back was hurting because of a herniated disc in my back my L5. I thought OH JOY just add that to the list. I am starting to fell like I have the body of an 85 yr old lady.  

BUT last week ……Imagine this, having the worst stomach flu of your life, body aches, muscle aches, fever, and no energy to move you have been vomiting for days. You are finally feeling better and you attempt to go to work and you have no energy to pick up the phone, or meet with the client. SUCKS DOESN’T it?

OK with that said that is how I have been feeling now for the last week.

Feeling like I have been hit by a truck every morning when I wake up just to go back for more seems like some type of torture. And for just a second today I thought I was going to be done. But Dr’s orders are one more week of radiation with or without kidney infection!

Ain’t going to lie last week was rough Thursday I was just feeling bad….and having the feeling of a full bladder all day long. I went to the doctor and she said I had Cystitis. Let me put my medical skills to use here and tell you cystitis is an inflammation of the bladder and can occur as a reaction to radiation therapy. Basic English you have trouble urinating.  Well this little case of Cystitis turns into a full blown kidney infection by Saturday laying me up in the hospital all weekend.  They treated it with a cocktail (NO not the yummy kind of cocktail) of antibiotics via IV along with some pain medicine and some anti nausea medicine. I knew Saturday it was bad when I could not stop vomiting, shaking and my fever had reached a 104 my neighbor came over to check on me and ended up taking me to the hospital or I would have just suffered through it. I am not one that likes to take a lot of medication. BUT Saturday I was pretty loopy J

Dr. Nolan said that my left kidney was no longer functioning at 100% and that it was severely infected the antibiotics should take care of the infection and as of this morning looks like the infection has cleared up that is good news. Over the weekend she had talked as if I might be done with radiation that when radiation starts to affect other organs she would stop so I thought this would be my out. I was so excited; to find out this morning I was dressing down for radiation I must say I was so happy to see my regular techs and nurses I have grown to love each of them. Not that the staff at the ER is not nice but the beautiful souls that work at the IMC Cancer Center are angels and have a sweet spirit about them and they get me and my sense of humor!  

After radiation this morning Dr. Nolan ran some blood work and said everything is looking great no sign of any infection in my body and that with only 3 more days of radiation she felt it would be best to just move forward. I started to cry, this at this point to me was worse than the initial cancer diagnoses to know that I have to walk in there 3 more times and put body into the same machine that I feel has made me so sick was heart breaking to me. She told me that it is not unusual to feel bad during radiation that every one reacts different and they never know how one will react to the treatment she said we always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I do not doubt her reasoning for me to continue with the radiation. I know she has her reasoning and if it means that this cancer does not come back then that is what I will do walk into that place 3 more times with a smile on my face walking like an 85 yr old lady!

As you can probably tell I like to think that I am tough, I like to think that I am unstoppable, that I am indestructible that nothing can bring me down. I am very independent and do not like to ask people for help. It’s just my nature, I have had to learn to humble myself and ask people for help that has been a huge difficulty for me. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering what if, why me, if I had only…..I cannot tell you the times my kids have said to me mom what is the matter and all I can say is Cancer Sucks. Cancer doesn’t only take a toll on the person that it has attacked it takes a toll on everyone that person loves, on everyone who loves that person. I am still kind of living this life thinking this is not happening to me. I think that is why I try to approach everyday as if it was a normal day a day of normal living before cancer.

Someone asked me today what has been the most difficult thing so far and this is how I replied.

I have been surprised, shocked, taken back, humbled, grateful all in 15 minutes some days.

I think the 3 hardest things for me have been,

Telling my kids I have cancer, having a co-worker asked me in front of a client if breast cancer was contagious….you should have seen the look on the clients face. I was in shock myself!

And running into my ex-in-laws (the people I looked up to and looked at as my 2^nd parts for more than 12 yrs) who know of my diagnosis. Not ask me how I was doing? Not ask me if there was anything they could do for me or the girls? Not even give me a hug! I guess I should not be surprised by their actions given the events of the past few years. I was just speechless and to this day I still am! I know it’s for the better but it doesn’t lessen the initial sting.

I know I probably am extra sensitive to these type of things and all of this is very personal but that is what a blog is a personal journey through my life.

On a happy note I am still in awe of the people who have showed up for me, and my girls. For the meals that have been cooked with love (even if it was lasagna for a week straight it was made with love!) for the cleaning of my kitchen the washing of my dishes for the cups of ice,  for sitting in the hospital with me in my fabulous hospital gown, for the fruit, for picking up my prescriptions I am sure I owe a few of you the co-pays, for the unconditional love, for the text messages, for listening to me cry, for not asking what I need for just showing up, for rubbing my head like my mama would if she could be here, I am forever in debt to each of you and your kindness does not go unnoticed!   

3 more days of radiation and this weird fall cancer fiasco will hopefully be over and I will be able to enjoy my favorite time of year with my 3 favorite people Alliyah, Audrey and Ayden.

Oh I have to share a real quick story of this amazing young man I meet at the ER. He was my nurse.  He was having trouble getting an IV in my arm when I started crying and he said oh ma’am I am so sorry, he thought he had hurt me, I said no worries your totally fine that doesn’t hurt. I said I just feel ridiculous being in the ER he reassured me that if he was battling cancer he would be the biggest baby ever that I was tough and amazing and he could tell I was a strong soul! Then he proceeded to tell me his story of when he was in Afghanistan and he was attacked by a bomb talk about amazing, courageous a true hero!  

Much Love, hope and peace~ Jackie

I wanted to share with you a woman’s best friend this little lady is by my side day and night and is my true therapy don’t know what I would do without her unconditional love a true gift from god……Lola Jean

she listens to me and never back talks or disagrees couldn’t ask for much more!

and I have to share the best medicine of the week.......

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1357004929#!/photo.php?v=2641501320914&set=vb.1357004929&type=2&theater

GOOD NEWS..... my pee is not glowing yet....that would be so cool if it was though!!

I sit down to write this blog post just after tucking in my sweet girls. I feel an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude for each of them.

I feel as if I am the luckiest person in the world that they chose me to be their mamma, not even realizing how much they would change my life.

You see I was never going to have kids or get married and if I had kids or a KID it was going to be a little boy that I named Alstott, Kayvon or Aiden…I LOVED these boy names and just knew if I ever had a kid it would be a boy and one of those 3 names would be it. NEVER WOULD I THINK 3 GIRLS!!

Well as we all know things don’t always end up the way we think they would or even close. I would of never imagined at the age of 32 years old I would be diagnosed with Breast Cancer, while raising 3 children on my own, living in a very small place, hardly surviving financially, working a crazy schedule, juggling be a mom and dad, a full time employee, a Sunday school teacher, a daughter and a friend. ALL of that I would not trade for anything it has kept me grounded and made me focus on what as to be done!

BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL for the new lease on life I have been given and I am beyond excited for what the future holds BIG  changes are about to come the first of the year!

I have learned more in the last 2 months then I have learned in my 32 years here on earth. I have realized who my true friends are, that family it not always thick as blood, I have learned that I have not yet accomplished what I was sent to this world to do. I have learned to put my faith in the hands of a loving heavenly father who has protected me and guided me through the most difficult, most alone, most scariest, and the quiet moments of my life.

I’ve learned that I am slow to trust I’m quick to love that I push too hard and give too much. I have realized that I am not perfect nor do I want to be! 

I want my girls to grow up knowing how much I love them and how grateful I am for them, I want them to know how hard I worked to provide for them, how I tried my hardest to only protect them, how I want a better life for them, I want them to know when they are sad or hurt my heart breaks into a million pieces I want them to know how we all live with the scars we choose and that they hurt like hell, but in the end they only make us stronger!

Ok enough crying…I am into day 10 of radiation of 16 over a 4 week period. And the good news is that my pee is not glowing yet....that would be so cool if it was though!!

Friday was the worst day yet, I think I say that every day… (ha~ha!) spent half of my Saturday in the hospital for reason that would disgust most of us so we will leave some of this to the imagination. Had a few test Dr. Nolan consulted with the attending Dr. and within hours I was feeling much better after 3 shots in my fat ass ( I guess sometimes ladies we should be grateful for the extra padding) some steroids and the Dr. and I laughing that I had not shaved my legs in about 4 days. I came home and thought I was superwoman and totally over did everything and paid for it later.

Monday (yesterday was rough) I called my mom crying about 4 times and she just listened to me. She told me to talk it out but I didn’t know what to say except I am miserable and I am tired and I am done with ALL of this. Today, Tuesday is better still a lot of body aches and a few other side effects but I am so close to being done.

I felt silly tonight when dinner was brought over she said “do you want me to come over and clean this week?” I guess it was a little messy….so funny and here I thought I was doing so good at keeping it managed its not that big after all.

                      

I try to keep everyday as normal and in a routine like before cancer as much as I can. I want my girls to know everything is ok, and this too shall pass. Everyone keeps saying I cannot believe you are doing this, or this….that’s just how I am and that will probably not change.

Tomorrow night I look forward to parent teacher conference so I can go hear how AWESOME and AMAZING my girls are!!!

I will leave you with my favorite song and hope you listen and enjoy it as much as me!    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Kqjqx9AZYY&ob=av2e

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!!