Jackie and The A~TEAM: Cocktails, Kidneys, Afghanistan, and a dog named Lola Jean!

Blue and green scrubs, needles, red lazar lights, big machines, monitors…I have just about seen all I want to see in my lifetime!

So up to this point things have been OK, I have had some lower back pain, teeth pain and some fatigue. The worst part has been the lower back pain. I suffer from some lower back pain on my right side occasionally nothing out of the ordinary happens once a year for about a week and then I am fine. I went to see Dr. Jacques my awesome chiropractor he adjusted me and did some acupuncture and usually that relieves the pain but not this time. So I have had this annoying pinched nerve pain in my back that will radiate down my leg and it’s just uncomfortable! If I stand up and walk around I am fine if I sit down or lay down its all over from there! ANY TIPS OR IDEAS on how to help this please comment or email me?

While I was at the hospital this last week they found that the right side of my lower back was hurting because of a herniated disc in my back my L5. I thought OH JOY just add that to the list. I am starting to fell like I have the body of an 85 yr old lady.

BUT last week ……Imagine this, having the worst stomach flu of your life, body aches, muscle aches, fever, and no energy to move you have been vomiting for days. You are finally feeling better and you attempt to go to work and you have no energy to pick up the phone, or meet with the client. SUCKS DOESN’T it?

OK with that said that is how I have been feeling now for the last week.

Feeling like I have been hit by a truck every morning when I wake up just to go back for more seems like some type of torture. And for just a second today I thought I was going to be done. But Dr’s orders are one more week of radiation with or without kidney infection!

Ain’t going to lie last week was rough Thursday I was just feeling bad….and having the feeling of a full bladder all day long. I went to the doctor and she said I had Cystitis. Let me put my medical skills to use here and tell you cystitis is an inflammation of the bladder and can occur as a reaction to radiation therapy. Basic English you have trouble urinating. Well this little case of Cystitis turns into a full blown kidney infection by Saturday laying me up in the hospital all weekend. They treated it with a cocktail (NO not the yummy kind of cocktail) of antibiotics via IV along with some pain medicine and some anti nausea medicine. I knew Saturday it was bad when I could not stop vomiting, shaking and my fever had reached a 104 my neighbor came over to check on me and ended up taking me to the hospital or I would have just suffered through it. I am not one that likes to take a lot of medication. BUT Saturday I was pretty loopy J

Dr. Nolan said that my left kidney was no longer functioning at 100% and that it was severely infected the antibiotics should take care of the infection and as of this morning looks like the infection has cleared up that is good news. Over the weekend she had talked as if I might be done with radiation that when radiation starts to affect other organs she would stop so I thought this would be my out. I was so excited; to find out this morning I was dressing down for radiation I must say I was so happy to see my regular techs and nurses I have grown to love each of them. Not that the staff at the ER is not nice but the beautiful souls that work at the IMC Cancer Center are angels and have a sweet spirit about them and they get me and my sense of humor!

After radiation this morning Dr. Nolan ran some blood work and said everything is looking great no sign of any infection in my body and that with only 3 more days of radiation she felt it would be best to just move forward. I started to cry, this at this point to me was worse than the initial cancer diagnoses to know that I have to walk in there 3 more times and put body into the same machine that I feel has made me so sick was heart breaking to me. She told me that it is not unusual to feel bad during radiation that every one reacts different and they never know how one will react to the treatment she said we always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I do not doubt her reasoning for me to continue with the radiation. I know she has her reasoning and if it means that this cancer does not come back then that is what I will do walk into that place 3 more times with a smile on my face walking like an 85 yr old lady!

As you can probably tell I like to think that I am tough, I like to think that I am unstoppable, that I am indestructible that nothing can bring me down. I am very independent and do not like to ask people for help. It’s just my nature, I have had to learn to humble myself and ask people for help that has been a huge difficulty for me. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering what if, why me, if I had only…..I cannot tell you the times my kids have said to me mom what is the matter and all I can say is Cancer Sucks. Cancer doesn’t only take a toll on the person that it has attacked it takes a toll on everyone that person loves, on everyone who loves that person. I am still kind of living this life thinking this is not happening to me. I think that is why I try to approach everyday as if it was a normal day a day of normal living before cancer.

Someone asked me today what has been the most difficult thing so far and this is how I replied.

I have been surprised, shocked, taken back, humbled, grateful all in 15 minutes some days.

I think the 3 hardest things for me have been,

Telling my kids I have cancer, having a co-worker asked me in front of a client if breast cancer was contagious….you should have seen the look on the clients face. I was in shock myself!

And running into my ex-in-laws (the people I looked up to and looked at as my 2^nd parts for more than 12 yrs) who know of my diagnosis. Not ask me how I was doing? Not ask me if there was anything they could do for me or the girls? Not even give me a hug! I guess I should not be surprised by their actions given the events of the past few years. I was just speechless and to this day I still am! I know it’s for the better but it doesn’t lessen the initial sting.

I know I probably am extra sensitive to these type of things and all of this is very personal but that is what a blog is a personal journey through my life.

On a happy note I am still in awe of the people who have showed up for me, and my girls. For the meals that have been cooked with love (even if it was lasagna for a week straight it was made with love!) for the cleaning of my kitchen the washing of my dishes for the cups of ice, for sitting in the hospital with me in my fabulous hospital gown, for the fruit, for picking up my prescriptions I am sure I owe a few of you the co-pays, for the unconditional love, for the text messages, for listening to me cry, for not asking what I need for just showing up, for rubbing my head like my mama would if she could be here, I am forever in debt to each of you and your kindness does not go unnoticed!

3 more days of radiation and this weird fall cancer fiasco will hopefully be over and I will be able to enjoy my favorite time of year with my 3 favorite people Alliyah, Audrey and Ayden.

Oh I have to share a real quick story of this amazing young man I meet at the ER. He was my nurse. He was having trouble getting an IV in my arm when I started crying and he said oh ma’am I am so sorry, he thought he had hurt me, I said no worries your totally fine that doesn’t hurt. I said I just feel ridiculous being in the ER he reassured me that if he was battling cancer he would be the biggest baby ever that I was tough and amazing and he could tell I was a strong soul! Then he proceeded to tell me his story of when he was in Afghanistan and he was attacked by a bomb talk about amazing, courageous a true hero!

Much Love, hope and peace~ Jackie

I wanted to share with you a woman’s best friend this little lady is by my side day and night and is my true therapy don’t know what I would do without her unconditional love a true gift from god……Lola Jean